ORDER ONY: Private Message to Nymphadora Tonks

[alt_alice]

Tonks;

I've been rather putting my oar in it recently, haven't I?

When I talked to Remus a few days ago I'd no idea what sort of Pandora's box we were opening up. All I knew was that he was feeling sad, and as if he was letting you and Bea down, and I wanted to help.

And now

Well, an awful lot has come out of it, hasn't it?

I'm still processing everything, and it's all from a distance, and Sirius is the only one I've really heard from and Merlin knows how he tends to muddle things when he's wrapped up in something, so I'm still unsure of all that's happened. But I wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing. And tell you that I know I've been a giant busy body, but that you are a dear friend, and I can't imagine what all this must be like for you, and that if you'd rather I left well enough alone, I'd understand, but I do hope you'll believe me when I say that I want the best for all of you.

Comments

[alt_nymphadora]

Oh, Alice.

I got a little teary when I saw you'd written me, and it's silly- no, stupid, really. I just. Since you were here, and I knew you'd talked to Remus, and then you and Sirius were writing-

I'm all right, I think. I mean, I did all this myself didn't I? I can hardly blame anyone else if it's not coming out the way I think it should. And it is, really. I do think this is what's needed.

And the thing is it might never have happened if it was down to either of those two facing up to what's between them. Each of them's been a bit of an idiot about it all. And then after Sirius went off and left, I realised I was going to have to do something about it or they'd both just go on being miserable and not seeing how to fix it.

Only that's not quite right, either. It's not as though I've realised all of it for very long, though when I did realise, I was thinking it was going to have to come down to me because of Bea and the marriage and all of those things that make it seem as if nothing could be done.

But then you did come, and I knew Remus had talked with you and guessed he might've realised some things himself, and then you and Sirius-

I- then I thought really I needed to be sure that I was the one who did something about it, because if they did come to it by themselves, where would that leave me?

That's not quite the right way to say it, maybe, but it's nearly it. Do you see?

[alt_alice]

I do.

I was wondering how much you knew and when you knew it, because really, he knew so very little about himself.

And I very much understand wanting things to happen on your own terms. Darling, no one can fault you that.

It also explains why things ended up happening so blasted quickly. I thought it'd be ages before he'd make up his mind about what would be best, and, honestly, I didn't know what he'd end up deciding. But I was hoping he'd come round to talking to you in his own time, which is why I figured it was something you had the right to hear from him rather than me.

So it just seems as if you helped him make up his mind a bit. Gulping down the potion in one go, right?

I am so sorry, Tonks love. It's a hard thing to discover about someone you love, and harder still to be a grown-up about it and try to sort out what would be best for everyone despite it all.

You've said things are turning out in the way you'd like. Are they? Really and truly?

One of the things I talked to Remus about was the balance between compromise and happiness, and how he was only concentrating on one rather than both. And I would hate for you to sacrifice your own happiness in turn.

There aren't any easy answers to this, bur I do know that Bea has a mum and dad who love her more than anything (as well as two rather devoted god parents), and that's a good place to start, isn't it?

Oh dear. I'm not sure if I'm being any help at all.

[alt_nymphadora]

I've known, well, more or less for a while. No. I'm not sure. Obviously I knew we weren't like you and Frank and haven't been, really, ever. I mean, there's Bea, and we did have a while there when it was lovely to be alone and together, but more because it felt so much then as if we were, really, alone together in the world.

Anywiz, I've known always, I think, that there's a place in him that's just empty and couldn't be filled up or made right. It's one of those things, you know, that I found sweet about him, but that's silly, too. It's the way women get into these things, isn't it? I should've known or, I don't know, at any rate, I shouldn't have made up reasons for it that weren't true.

But there it is. We made a family together, but we wanted more than that. Both of us do. And it was so obvious Sirius needed to be here, and it was, well, it was more complicated than I thought, but still, it was right. And, I don't know when I began to guess it. It was loads of things. The way Padfoot follows Remus around and asks him for scritches, sort of presses into him and looks up. The way he always finds where Remus is and curls up beside his chair in the office or behind him while he does the washing up or with his nose just beneath his chair if Remus has a sit to visit with a table of customers in the beer garden. There's this little sigh Pads gives when he settles right there, close by him.

And Remus. You should see his face when Sirius comes in. Or when he changes from Padfoot.

Here. Maybe I can describe it this way. There's been a group of young people who've come in the evenings sometimes, and we got to know that they were plotting how one of them could run away with her girlfriend because Tamora's a muggleborn, and that means she can't ever have a relationship or do anything at all unless her owners allow it, and they wouldn't have. For lots of reasons, I think. But the thing is, I was visiting with them and just the way Rachel looked at her stuck with me. It was- I don't know that I've ever looked at anyone that way. I mean, I look at Remus like some dear thing I need to be looking out for. Do you know?

And I didn't think about it, really. Until Sirius left us. Just after the moon. (And, yes, now I know why, but I didn't then. I don't think that matters, actually.) But see, then I saw it in Remus. How he looked just lost about his being gone. And one morning all of a sudden I realised that when Remus looks at him, he has that sort of look. The kind that shows he really sees the other person like no one else does and that the other person makes him feel right like no one else in the whole world can. I can't describe it any better than that, but I thought about Sirius and knew right away that it's the same for him and that I knew that much a long time ago, really. Not that he was in love with Remus exactly, but that Remus was sort of his anchor to the past and now, too. Sirius is so changeable, you know, so likely to run off if anything gets too much or if there's something else that catches his attention, but Remus is the one who keeps him tethered so he doesn't just fly off altogether. I think. And, you know, Remus can settle him just with a look.

Oh, I don't know.

Sirius is the one I'm worried I can't predict, and I really want to feel sure of them. Only- that night after I'd done it and there was no taking it back, I realised that I wasn't the one who could say, 'please come back, we want you here', anymore because that's not my place now, and I don't know that they'll want me to stay. I mean, they both feel they should say so right now, but really, I don't know. I wanted us all to be together, so I thought- no, see, that's what I didn't think through. I wanted us all to be a family because we weren't really a JUST-US kind of family anyway. We kind of need to gather other people in, but they won't need that in the same way.

And they might want to just be together and not have all these extra people about. Especially not have me about. Or a fussy baby.

But that's not fair. They're both really devoted to Bea, but still- I mean, they really just want to be together right now, and I understand. I do. But it scares me, too. Because I'm not sure I fit here anymore, and this--Laszlo and the Order and Remus and Bea and Sirius and the people we can help--all this is what I want so much, I can't think what I'll do if I lose it.

[alt_alice]

I can see how they might be all wrapped up in each other right now. They've got a lot of lost time to make up for, and I suppose each one feels responsible for why it has been such a long time coming, and guilty about the hurt it has done to you as well.

Living at Moddey for as long as I have, I've come to really treasure what we have. Yes, it's a lot of work to make sure everyone gets along, and when people disagree, it's always a tad awkward because we all know they have to sort it out -- they can't just walk away. And what I have isn't quite the same, mind, but it is built on trust, and above all, communication. Our adults have a meeting every day after dinner, and over the years, we've all decided on the rules and the way we want things run. And the most important part of that is that everyone has a voice in that.

I think you and Remus and Sirius are still exploring what that will look like.

I can see how you might feel as though you're in danger of being pushed to the side, and how terrifying that might be. And how rather than letting Sirius come to stay because both you and Remus needed him, everything's changed up on you, only you're wondering if they need you like you needed him.

It's all so very new, but I have every faith that if you keep talking -- if you let them know what you're worried about, and make sure that when decisions are made about things that matter that you're a part of it, sort out some ground rules between the three of you, that'll be a good start.

And you're not going to lose the Order. Or Bea. And although things are a bit up in the air with the rest of it all, I admire you so much for not throwing up your hands and walking away from it all. If it really truly does matter to you, then it is worth sticking around for. And if it comes from a place of love (and I have no doubts on that front, Tonks dear), then I have every hope in all of you.

[alt_nymphadora]

Thanks, Alice. This really helps. Only it's all so new, I don't think any of our heads have stopped spinning.

We're all being very, very polite to one another, too, which feels strangely wrong. No teasing, even, just so there can't be any misunderstandings or accidents where feelings get hurt. Because, of course, the first day, Sirius did rather step on my feelings and I didn't answer very well, and I think we've realised we should just talk and not write because it's so very hard to be sure someone will hear what you write the way you meant it.

[alt_alice]

I'm glad to hear.

And I'm sure that will wear off in time. Merlin knows Sirius can't help himself when it comes to that sort of thing, and I'm sure once he's more comfortable, he'll be right back to his old self again. Also, colour me completely unsurprised that Sirius put his foot in his mouth. He gets so far ahead of his own thoughts sometimes.

And that's rather wise -- to talk in person. I know that when Neville writes me a letter, I just read so much into everything.

This is going to sound rather odd, but while we're in a sharing mood, I might as well...

I've noticed that both Remus and Sirius call you Dora. Just in our conversations and things, and in their messages to you as well. And I've been calling you Tonks this whole time, and I know you haven't said anything to me about it, but it'd be rather hard to stop someone calling you something when they've been doing it for ages and ages without it getting downright embarrassing.

But if I've got it wrong, and you'd prefer Dora, you know all you have to do is say so. I'd truly rather feel briefly ridiculous for calling you something you'd rather not be called this whole time rather than keep doing it and wondering if I'm causing offence. Or if it's just a familiarity of sorts, one for just you three I understand completely.

[alt_nymphadora]

Names are funny, aren't they? Except when they're awful, of course--I've always hated Nymphadora, you know. I took terrible teasing about it in school because someone thought it was clever to put it about that it meant I was a nymphomaniac. Ugh. Mind you, there was teasing about my surname, too, because of my father. But I never minded that as much. In fact, I've been thinking about names again--as you do when you're splitting up a marriage. Of course, Ponds isn't a real name, anyway, and I've never gone by Lupin.

I like that you call me Tonks, actually. And I rather wish the others would. Not my relatives, of course. They never would, but that's rather the point. It's a tie to my father and mother, isn't it? And it's really the only thing I have of theirs to remember them by. And now I'm back to being my own person, well. That's who I'd like to be.

[alt_alice]

Well, good. Tonks it is then. I'm glad that's settled, because it'd been bothering me, and I wasn't sure at all how to bring it up.

I saw that Hydra wrote you. Have you managed to sort out what that's all about yet?

[alt_nymphadora]

We're really rather at sea about what Bellatrix wanted in coming, but whatever it was, she made out as though it was all about whether she could allow Hydra to visit and not be corrupted by our filthy hovel.

And, well. I'm calling her bluff. If she says Hydra can come, it will be lovely to have her visit. She seems a nice enough girl, and I'd like to see for myself. And, of course, if Auntie Bella won't let her come, then fine. She can tell Hydra whatever ridiculous thing she wants to about us and that will be that.